Frustrated with comparisons

I just finished reading Walt Mueller's latest blog post. It was good, and it prompted me to think about a few things. However, what it prompted most was another round of comparisons.

"Well, at least my family eats together more than that.

"Well, at least we don't watch that much T.V." (Though I can't say we don't have one anymore.)

"I don't spend nearly that much money on eating out." (Though I'd like to have the income to do so.)

Lately I've become very frustrated with myself regarding how often I compare myself - or my family, or my wife, or... whatever - with others. What I realize I'm saying is that as long as I can compare myself favorably against others, I'm not that bad. It's frustrating because I know it's a lie from hell. Pastor Doug spoke on it this past Sunday when he talked about "Image." When I compare how well I'm doing, my level of sin (level!?), or how I look with others, I'm falling into a trap. It may be the trap that I'm doing fine when in reality there's something wrong (e.g. being overweight isn't a good thing, even if I am skinnier than a large portion of people my age), or it could be the lie that I'm awful because I'm not at the same place as somebody else (e.g. that guy's ten years older than me, and look what he can do on a mt. bike). Either way, it's a lie that Satan can use in a variety of ways, and it's frustrating that I give into it so often.

Yes, comparison can be used by God to move me towards Godliness, but it should be done with caution, and much prayer. So, I'm venting here, while also praying: God, please help me not to believe the comparison lies, but to hear your voice regarding all things - sin, health, my identity, etc., and to use the things I see around me to move me towards Christ-likeness in how I view myself, my family (with all it's joys and frustrations and imperfections), and even my relationship with you.

Hmmm... I'm reminded of this post I made some time ago about seeing weeds instead of flowers. As I look out our front window, I'm reminded again of all the beauty God is working in our lives. As I look at our garden in back (Mmmmm - Tomatoes are ripening), I'm reminded that He is producing fruit in our lives - in my life. Thank you God that you are at work in the cracked and broken vesl

Camaraderie

Dictionary.com: comradeship; good fellowship

Paul's definition: Relationship based on shared experiences, especially experiences around a common theme, thread, or interest; the more you share those experiences together, the deeper the relationship, but it's always there.

You can see this definition when you see firemen, policemen, or other EMS personnel coming together, even if they're from totally different cities or states. You see it amongst our military, especially as they argue about which branch is the best. You see it on a sports team. Obviously if you're on the same team, the camaraderie is deeper, but sports players will naturally hang out together, and they'll have a certain something - and intangible - that draws them together, that lets you know you're not one of them, no matter how hard they try to include you... which many will if you're a friend of one of them outside of this gathering.

When I was in choir, there was a camaraderie I had with the other choir members. Even if we didn't like each other, there was still that connection... especially if we wanted to harass or annoy band/orchestra members. When I was a youth pastor, there was a camaraderie amongst the youth pastors I hung out with. We developed relationships based on this one, major, common interest: youth ministry. I have many good friends in youth ministry still, and the fact that I spent 17 years in it gives me the right to continue in that camaraderie to some degree, though it's certainly not like it was when I was in it. There aren't the current shared experiences any more. We're no longer fighting side-by-side, though we know that theologically we are. There's something different; something's changed because I'm not longer in that particular trench, slugging it out with them.

So, now where does that camaraderie come from? How do you build camaraderie with administrative assistants? How about small group pastors? It could be argued that I should be able to build camaraderie with parents, especially parents of teens, but that's not quite the same... at least not for me. So I'm missing something in my heart and soul. I've shared this with my pastor, but he doesn't seem to get it. I'm thinking it's because his idea of camaraderie is different than mine. It could also be because he has such camaraderie amongst the pastors that it's unseen - he doesn't realize what he's got because he's had it so long, or because it's so much a part of his life. I'm not sure, but he doesn't seem to get it. In fact, when I look amongst our church leaders, it seems to be missing in general, even though they're leading together. There's an intangible that I'm not seeing between them that I want - between them, and between me and another man... or two or three.

Therein lies another rub with building camaraderie between admin. assistants. Most of them are female, and camaraderie is something that develops close relationships (or should, to some degree). Me developing that kind of relationship with a woman besides my wife... well, that's not a good idea. Thankfully I have that relationship withg my wife, and we are thoroughly enjoying the camaraderie of working together to serve our small group ministry. However, it's not the same as the camaraderie between men who are serving together.

So, there's my heart right now... and has been for a couple of years now. There's a piece missing, and occasionally it rises up and hurts. When a youth pastor I thought was my friend says he can't even remember those months of talking about youth ministry together actually happening, that hurts. When there's obviously a wall between me and my pastor (though he would be the first to say he doesn't want that wall there) because we're not in even close trenches together anymore (as the director of YD, I wore the double hat of being a head-pastor-type role as well as a youth pastor role), that hurts. When my best friends (both in youth ministry) are too far away to do anything with, and we don't really share a common interest outside of youth ministry and our crazy families, that hurts. So, my prayer to God is: Please, Lord, would you provide a man I can build relationship with, that we can connect with over a common interest - preferably ministry interest - in order to build that deep relationship that can come between two men, and that can build each other up in the You.

Phillipians 1:12

I wrote these thoughts down after reading this passage of scripture.

What are our options when something we perceive as bad or painful happens?
1) Spiritual warfare - The enemy is attacking us, the plan from God, etc., and we need to fight for the victory, or to regain the victory.
2) We are being disciplined.
3) Could it be nothing spiritual, but simply consequences from other people's sin, or simply the result of sin in this world?  Then God has allowed it (if not orchestrated it), and He is doing so for a purpose, either to build our character (make us more like Christ), to build somebody else's character, or in order to orchestrate His bigger plan.

No matter the reason for the action, shouldn't our attitude and reaction be the same as Paul's: Thankfulness and praise to God? Yes, but it's so hard in the midst of the pain and difficulty. Right now Shari and I are going through another financial struggle. Some of it is needs, some is wants, some a mixture. But it's driving us to our knees, and for that we can be thankful. Until God comes through - provision, or the wisdom to know how to get through, or to not purchase - we will choose to be thankful, knowing that God is at work, even if we don't understand at first. Paul saw some reasons right away in this case, but He didn't always. Sometimes it wasn't until after things happened that He realized how God was getting glory. It didn't seem to matter. Even in jail, at midnight (was he nuts!?) he worshipped God passionately, and gave thanks in all circumstances. Phillipians is a great book/letter to remind us not only that Paul did so, but that we are called to do so.

Leadership is Messier Than a Book

I'm continuing to read, "Axiom" by Bill Hybels, and I continue to get some great leadership lessons out of it. Here are a few I've read recently:

"Throughout my entire ministry, one thing has almost always been true: If I communicate the right mission at the right time of the year in the right way and with the right motivation behind it, the sheep do not disappoint." From the axiom, "Never Beat the Sheep."

Then there's this axiom, which says a lot without any explanation: "Every Soldier Deserves Competent Command".

As a person whose love language is words of affirmation, I really like this one:

"Effective ministry leadership has a lot to do with keeping spirits buoyed and people uplifted so that they feel appreciated for going above and beyond what they would give in a typical job. I'm a firm believer that we're never going to end up with the most God-honoring results possible unless we're all having fun along the way." From the axiom, "Are We Still Having Fun?"

I was thinking about that last one this morning, and thinking about some of the leadership in our church. My immediate thought was, "Gee, I wish so-n-so would lead like this." However, the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart then and stated His own axiom to me:

"Leadership is Messier Than a Book."

You see, it's easy to read these great leadership principles, from great leaders like Hybels, Maxwell, or even Eugene Peterson, and think, "Wow, I wish I could lead like that," or, "I wish my boss would lead like that." In some respects, that not a bad thing, as there is always room for improvement. However, it becomes a bad thing when you start doing the comparison game, and not celebrating what's being done well. Even as I read Hybels' book, he's gracious enough to allow me as a reader a glimpse into his life to see where he has really blown it over the years. He's hurt people, driven people out of the church, said yes when he should have said no, etc. But even these lessons are cleaned up with the perspective of time and leaving out the messy details of before and after that he had to work through.

So, as I read and learn how to lead - and make mistakes, and learn from them, then make them again with somebody different - I am reminded that these principles are great, and we should work to put them into practice. As I sit under, or watch others sit under, church leadership around me, and they make mistakes and learn from them - or don't seem to - I wish that they could learn this particular principle so they could lead better and get the results they are really looking for. However, through it all, I'm reminded that all of this is a learning process. I'm reminded to pray for those leaders as they lead, that they would learn. I'm also reminded to give them and myself grace as we make mistakes - even costly ones, or ones that hurt others. I'm reminded that living in community is more about learning to forgive like Christ, and less about making things run without conflict. I still want to see good leadership, but part of good leadership on my part - and good following - is accepting people where they are, while praying that they'll grow, and, in the meantime, loving, helping, encouraging, serving, and forgiving when things get messy. That includes doing all those things for myself, too.